Love is a Choice Not a Test

“Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder” by Sextus Propertius is a quote that people have romanticized over time, but I’ve come to hate it. As time has passed, I’ve come to realize why I dislike it. It sounds sweet, but in practice, people use it as an excuse to justify emotional distance and abandonment. 

I believe that people use the quote as a reason to leave others, to see if “they are truly meant to be in their life,” which I think is a flawed tactic. It suggests that the person was never truly appreciated during the time they were together. Love is not grown through distance but through effort; people shouldn’t have to be absent to be appreciated. If it takes losing someone to realize their value and worth, then you did not deserve them in the first place. 

This quote is often used as an excuse to emotionally abandon someone. Love should be shown when it matters, not in its absence. This only pertains to friendships and relationships, because being in a relationship with someone, whether it is a friendship or a romantic one, is a choice. It is a choice to stay or to leave, and walking away to “see what happens” is not love; it is indecision. And indecision can feel like rejection to the person left behind.

Another person mentioned this quote in a family context, and I agree with it there because, in my eyes, family is forever. They are still choosing to stay by your side. When someone decides to have kids, they make a lifelong commitment to love them. With relationships, it is different. Therefore, I dislike the quote because if you need space to truly see how much someone cared for you or how much they did for you, then you never truly loved or appreciated them while they were around. It is almost as if you’re using them, and I dislike that thought.

My friend mentioned that the word “fonder” makes her think of fondue, and I genuinely love that. In her eyes, the quote is saying the heart is becoming softer, like fondue. That analogy made me smile, but to me, that is exactly the danger. Like fondue, a heart can melt and become soft for a person, and it can melt too easily, forgetting the hurt and the reason the distance happened in the first place. Absence doesn’t always grow love; sometimes it makes you forget why you had to walk away in the first place. 

The heart becomes softer toward the person, and therefore, you forget all the bad that person brought upon you. Your heart only remembers the good and becomes softer toward this person, just like fondue. But fondue can be gooey and warm like a heart, and it can also be exceedingly messy, masking an underlying bitterness. I leaned into my friend's analogy, but the thought that fondue can cover things up was wavering in the back of my mind. Fondue is rich and comforting, but it’s messy, and sometimes it masks what's underneath. Distance can do the same. It can melt away the pain, but also the clarity, and that is the danger. If love needs to melt in the first place, then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

 I just looked up fondue, and I’m wondering why I thought it was a sweet, yummy dessert; it’s cheese. There are many different perspectives on this quote, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. For me, if distance is the only way to make your heart grow fonder, you weren’t paying enough attention to the person who was right in front of you. Real love doesn't grow in the space between hearts; it grows in the space we actively choose to stay.